Bye bye baby

Im so happy to know that im pregnant.at first i can feel that something is happening to me and its a good thing.I go and take the home pregnancy test and its positive. I share the good news with my hubby and daughter. We are so happy and start to do planning for the new family member.



It start with the first check up with my gynea in GMC. Its around the 8th weeks of pregnancy. We are so happy waiting for our turn. Mdm Yeoh also very happy to share the good news with us and she so eager to do ultrasound to see the baby.



Once I saw the ultrasound I start feels that something is wrong with this pregnancy. Mdm Yeoh also seems like a bit shock at the beginning. She's taking sometime to get a clear picture if the baby. At last she announce that , the baby size is to small and we cannot see it clearly.She dont want me to worry and booked another appointment after 2 weeks and hope the will be a progress.



I start to feel uncomfortable. I love this baby. I dont want to loose this baby.My hubby comfort me and tell me everything going to be ok.I never tell anyone about this baby and I also dont have any morning sickness which is very bad.It tell that the baby is not active and something is wrong .

Te second check up also give a bad news.The baby is not well and not even grow even 1mm.The size is the sam as the last check up. Mdm Yeoh said that this pregnancy is not promising. I Will lost this baby. I'm going to have a misscaruiage. Just wait and it will come naturally. This is the worst part. I need to wait for the baby to leave my womb.

I went to work as per normal and do everything as like nothing happend. I try to hide my sadness by making myself very busy and tied up with my work. I try not to think about it, but i cannot , I keep the ultrasound pic of te baby in my purse and that going to be the first thing i saw whenever i open my purse.


At last after 2 weeks I start bleeding during night time.I waited until morning and went to the hospital where finally I have a D&C. Thats the end of it. Bye bye baby. I love you so much but I haveto let you go. I want to hold you in my arm but I dont have the chance. I will always love you.


Mama . Ayah and Najwa loves you so much

Brief story bout me.

Najwa is the greatest gift ever. The best thing ever happend to me. Demi anak , seluruh jiwa raga pun sanggup di beri orang kata. Dia still a baby, but she knows that mak and ayah loves her so much. Im not sure if she can understand what is happening around her...but what I know is...she enjoy every second of her life.

Im a clumsy person..buat apa pun mesti akan ada yang salah. My hubby is a perfectionist. So seems that he complete the piece of me. Apa aje yang aku buat..mesti ada yang tak betul..and people are waiting to 'hantam' me when ever i did any mistake. Im the type of person that always think that everybody is agood person. Like to help and easy to forgive walaupun cepat marah.Mulut saja yang laser tapi hati selembut lembutnye.

Selalu kena marah..kat rumah kena marah...kat ofis lagi la selalu kena marah. I feel pity for myself. I dont think that im really a bad person..but to much of scolding makes me to become a really unmotivated person.

I feel like im so useless...not good enaugh.Cepat terkejut and always try my best to please other people. People can see me as a very happy person.Always smile and happy. But deep inside im a lonely and terrified person trap in my own world.

Dont care what going to happend to myself , but other people must satisfied and happy. Willing to do anyting to help and pleased oter parties. But in the end im the one who will cry every night before i can sleep. I try to share my feeling with the person I closed to..but the best person to share my story always my mother. Since now im no more staying with her..I hide and ignore most of my feeling. Hope I can share something here